I loved my mother, but I had been carrying on so much hate in the past three years that I have failed to see that she was suffering. The little spirituality that I had left in me must have known that she was going to leave this world because I had been controlling everything I possibly could and holding on with my dear life, but had been slowly giving up bits and pieces of me.
I feel regret and sadness when I think that I could have made it a bit easier for her by taking a better care of myself. I wish I had been stronger for her because she really needed me to be. But this one time, it was too hard for me to bear. I knew seeing her on November 9th was not going to be helpful for her health, but I was in desperate need to feel that I am loved. I wish I had not caused her more pain. The weeks leading up to this past monday, she called me and talked with me for not just minutes but for hours at a time to make sure that I was okay even in her greatest pain. She was so Christlike and asked me about the things that I had gone through to help me survive this world. I can't help but to wonder if she had left earlier because she felt responsible for my stupidity and selfishness or she felt that she could not watch the other daughter get ill. For my own sanity, I must believe that it was her time to go.
Mom, if you are reading this on the other side, I will work really hard to be healthier so those painful times you were strong for me were not wasted. Thank you for all the sacrifices you have made for me so that I could live the American dream. I know you are with your mother now and finally free to do all the things you wanted to do. I love you with all my heart.
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