A broken heart

I never knew what it meant to have a broken heart.  I had experienced a heartache or two before in the process of finding my husband, but I did not allow anyone or anything to break it.  When I heard that my mom passed away, I felt like my whole world had just crumbled into pieces.

I loved my mother, but I had been carrying on so much hate in the past three years that I have failed to see that she was suffering.  The little spirituality that I had left in me must have known that she was going to leave this world because I had been controlling everything I possibly could and holding on with my dear life, but had been slowly giving up bits and pieces of me.  

I feel regret and sadness when I think that I could have made it a bit easier for her by taking a better care of myself.  I wish I had been stronger for her because she really needed me to be.  But this one time, it was too hard for me to bear.  I knew seeing her on November 9th was not going to be helpful for her health, but I was in desperate need to feel that I am loved.  I wish I had not caused her more pain.  The weeks leading up to this past monday, she called me and talked with me for not just minutes but for hours at a time to make sure that I was okay even in her greatest pain.  She was so Christlike and asked me about the things that I had gone through to help me survive this world.  I can't help but to wonder if she had left earlier because she felt responsible for my stupidity and selfishness or she felt that she could not watch the other daughter get ill.  For my own sanity, I must believe that it was her time to go.  

Mom, if you are reading this on the other side, I will work really hard to be healthier so those painful times you were strong for me were not wasted.  Thank you for all the sacrifices you have made for me so that I could live the American dream.  I know you are with your mother now and finally free to do all the things you wanted to do.  I love you with all my heart.  

falling back in love with my ipad

So, I seem to have issues posting entries when I write them because I wrote this entry back in May of this year...

I got my ipad last year as my birthday gift. I loved it. I loved being able to see my whole week's schedule in a snapshot, and browsing on the internet was fun. I originally thought that I would be using it to e-mail a lot, but I noticed that I did not enjoy writing e-mails with ipad the longer I had it... I knew I needed a standard keyboard for me to really use it for what I intended, but who really wants to spend apple's version of accessories for their exorbitant price? It was enough that I got their product. Plus, I live with a husband who hates apple products (although he may be coming around after he got siri iphone as his work phone). He thinks that they're overpriced and useless compared to a PC. Well, apple products may not be cost efficient, but they sure look nice and work great for my needs. In any case, I've been carrying around my ipad without a protective cover or case for them. It really bothered Jesse cuz I would drop it every now and then... A year after I had gotten my ipad, I finally decided that it was time to get a nice case for my ipad. I went into Brookstone and fell in love with their newest ipad leather case. I love the smell of leather--probably because I equate leather with luxuriousness. I think it took me 3 trips to the Brookstone to finally decide that I wanted it enough to get it.  :)

There is an opposition to all things...

If you asked me how I was doing last week, I would say hell broke loose in my life.  It was as if the devil himself was hovering over me making sure that I was miserable and also ensuring that I make everyone around me suffer as well.  Every now and then, I make mistakes.  Sometimes, these mistakes costs me so much that it humbles me to never want to do it again.  Other times, I fight with the consequences because the consequences seem too cruel for the mistake itself.  Perhaps one would argue that I had a bad attitude dealing with my circumstances last week.  However, I would argue that the consequences that I had to deal with was still uncalled for because no one deserves to be be bullied.  Through it all, I have to say that I am growing up.  I'm not sure if I am learning the lesson I'm suppose to be learning, but I am learning to stand up for myself for the very first time.

I have to thank god for this week.  He must have noticed that I have been feeling stuck and lost.  He also must know me really well in that I find happiness in seeing my violin studio grow as well as meeting other musicians who share similar passions.  While I spent the past weekend being furious over a ridiculous incident on Thursday, then tortured my poor husband for something he didn't intend to do or something I normally would not have gotten so uptight over, I still had really good news when Monday rolled around.  I had a new student inquiry!  New students inquiries actually happen all the time except no one actually thank you for simply replying to them.  Usually, people will inquire then get annoyed at you for calling them back.  On Tuesday, a cellist that I met about a month or so ago contacted me to do a wedding gig with her which is especially exciting because I have been feeling like I need a social life with people like me.  Yesterday my hubby and I picked up our free movie tickets he won from the radio.  Now, winning something never happens to me.  It's a midnight showing of "Dark Shadows."  While blessing are pouring in this week, I must still deal with the situation from last week....  Wish me luck!

Dear 2012,

I have not written much in the past couple of years that I find myself at loss for words...

I hope that you will teach me how to love and care about something or someone again.  I feel like I have been feeling rather down losing the goodness I had in me the past couple of years.  I see that some of the good has turned into bitterness towards others as well as myself.  As a result, I have been very consumed in finding self-worth and trying to justify my reason for being.  I hope that you will help me see the good in people and the good that they do rather than only identifying their weaknesses. 

Above all, I hope that you can teach me to love myself with self-awareness, the way my Heavenly Father loves me, for it is impossible for me to love others when I do not take care for me.  I hope that you will help me open my heart to know and believe that there is good in me again.

Truly,
Eun-Jin