Learning the same lesson again...

When will I learn to accept my limitations?  I've noticed that if I'm not stressed dealing with life events, then I create things to get stress out about. Corey thinks I'm addicted to stress.  How could I be addicted if I don't enjoy being stressed at all?

I have been complaining that my life feels boring earlier in 2021.  In an attempt to soothe my boredom, I decided to take on the kitchen renovation--gut the whole thing and redesign it completely.  For a newbie, that's a lot to take on!  Of course I had no idea what I undertook until the kitchen was ripped out only to find out that my kitchen designer did not account for the doorway so we had to redesign one wall and order more cabinets.  That was back in June of 2021.

Then Stella had puppies in August!  I had no idea how much work and time would be spent raising these puppies then find their forever homes... 

Then I signed up to learn C++ and Calculus at the community college.

Then I injured my back trying to prevent a fall during ice skating...  ended up in physical therapy for 4 months.

Then I had to drop the Calculus class mid semester because between the stress and pain, I wasn't sleeping.  Since I wasn't sleeping, I was tired all the time, couldn't focus, and couldn't regulate my emotions.  I had to eat a humble pie because I could not recall the math I haven't done for the last 16 years...

Kitchen cabinets that we reordered in June finally arrived in November due to supply chain issues caused by the pandemic.  Was it caused by the pandemic or was it because of the way we humans freaked out?  That's for another debate.  Since the original cabinet contractors either quit or got fired, I had to wait until December for someone to have the availability to come install the cabinets.  When the new contractor finally came, we discovered a crack on a piece with paint chipping...  So had to order a new part again.  Luckily, the contractor was nice enough to install the parts that could be installed so I have a working stove, sink, and dishwasher.  I still don't know how long it will take for the kitchen to finish seeing that the new part will be not be shipped until February of 2022.  At least so I've been told.  That mean it will have taken me over a year from my first order of cabinets to the finished kitchen...

In any case, I learned my lesson this time.  This semester, I'm only taking one computer science class.  I haven't let my injury stop me from ice skating though.  I'm currently enrolled in two ice skating classes on Saturdays.  😁😊😄😅

Life is Good.

A lot has happened since the last post.  Reread some old posts and unpublished posts taking a trip down the memory lane.  I don't know how I got through some of my life events that were filled with loss, unmet expectations, and grief.  What I do know is that I am still standing.  Today, I am and feel content.  I feel centered in my current life situation and feel safe in the relationships I choose to be in.  I have let go of the feelings of obligation in my relationships.  In a way, I suppose I changed my expectations on each of those relationships that were causing me so much stress and pain.

Life Lessons I learned from my 20s:
1.  Get used to saying "No."  Don't let anyone else make you feel bad for saying no.  You don't owe them an explanation either.
2.  Be the person you want to be regardless of who the other person is.
3.  Say Yes wholeheartedly to the things you wish and desire then follow through.
4.  Be kind to yourself.  When you are kind to yourself, you notice others that are also kind.  It opens your eyes to the kindness in the world.
5.  Everything will be ok.  Even when things are upside down, time lets you heal the open wounds.  You might never fully get over it and there may be scars--but it will pass, and it time, you will learn to be ok again.

Birthday Surprises

I forget to record the moments that are precious and important in life.  Today, I feel compelled to express the gratitude I feel having friends and family around me who have expressed kindness and remembrance for my existence.

Far From the Madding Crowd

Back in the Victorian times, we have novels and stories that tell us that a girl was introduced in the society once she grew out of being a child.  Once she was introduced in a ball, she was now in the market for marriage.  She was to be careful with the suitors she lured and kept in her company.  How proper one must behave when every exchange meant a huge ordeal such as a subtle movement, gesture, and anything that was uttered.  All of these things played a factor in who one ultimately ended up with in marriage.  A man might see a girl he desires and likes, and he then had to make his intentions known.  People in general had to be decisive--for indecision would cost us the chance to ever see them again.

I am glad to be in a society that is much more forgiving and acceptable to different circumstances prior to marriage.  We are free to date as long as we would like without the judgmental looks from others although we may get questions from our own parents who wants grandchildren.  At the same time, the acceptability has also made waiting for marriage out of style.  As I have been dating online, it is one of the main questions I get asked.  "Do you really expect to wait until marriage?"  These are the times I wish I was born in the Victorian times.  I would not be ridiculed for holding onto the old fashioned traditions.  Some have gone as far as saying, "You are not even a virgin.  How could you demand that?"  Decent men at least will say, "That is a worthy goal.  I hope you find him."

As I was watching the movie, it dawned on me that maybe it's not that I want someone who just puts me on a pedestal and lets me do whatever I want.  I secretly desire to be tamed to be someone magnificent by a righteous man who will walk beside me.  He will guide me, love me, and sometimes may experience disappointments.  In the end, he believes and lets me come back because he gives me the space to contemplate and hopefully make righteous decisions on my own.

헤어지지 못하는 여자, 떠나가지 못하는 남자 (Feat. 정인) - 리쌍

I laughed watching this because the title and the song sums up all my relationships...

Translation:  A woman who cannot say goodbye, a man who cannot leave

Heaven on Earth

I know with certainty that the veil between the world here and those that have gone before us is thin.  I have felt the love that Heavenly Father has for me here on earth through the love of my mother.

I was particularly having a hard time when I realized the relationship I had was coming to an end.  My heart was breaking for the loss that was to come, and I just needed to feel loved.  I played the last voicemail I had from my mother before she passed away.  In the voicemail, she expressed how much she loved me, how much she is thinking of me, and how much she wished for me to take a good care of myself.

This may sound crazy to some of you, but when my mother was alive, she used to tell me that when she was having a particularly a hard time, she felt that her mother was trying to communicate with her from heaven through the stereo.  I remember being in the living room as an 7th grader when the stereo turned on by itself.  I remember being creeped out as I felt the hair on arms all shot up with the goosebumps all over my arm because this stereo didn't have a remote control.  My mom was in the kitchen getting food ready for my sister and I.  I was just sitting on the couch on the other side of the room, and my mom popped her head towards me and asked, "You didn't turn on the stereo, did you?"  Tonight, though, my mother comforted me as I lay in bed alone unable to get rest. As soon as I was done playing the voicemail, the computer then turned on Track #4 "from sleep" album in my itunes that I had been listening to help myself fall asleep at night.  It was a message from her telling me, "I am here.  I love you.  Please get some rest."

I cried myself to sleep remembering what it felt like to have her arms around me.  No words were exchanged at least not ones I could hear, and yet I knew she was in the room with me.  Perhaps it is not that our loved ones are gone so much as we the living on earth cannot see them because of the veil, but the veil is a lot thinner than we think if we are willing to open ourselves up to the possibilities.

Dear Ex-Husband

I was so angry with you for walking out on our relationship, but now I must thank you for giving my life back.  Perhaps I left our relationship a long time ago before you ever walked away when I felt rejected by your inability to understand me or support me in my endeavors.  I was so disappointed and angry that I never let you forget it.  This was my greatest sin in our marriage, and I am sorry for putting you through hell in the form of guilt trips.  In the process of proving you wrong, I have only grown to become selfish, obsessive, and plain miserable.

I wish I had given you more credit for the good qualities that you do have.  You are very responsible and a man of your word.  I love that about you.  Even now, I know if you say you will do something (although you probably will never promise to do anything for me at this point), I know I can count on you.  Perhaps we would have made a better business partner than a marriage partner.

I wish I had known what it meant to have a good, healthy relationship.  I know more bad relationships than good ones, and I have yet to figure out how people maintain good relationships.  Even still, thank you for allowing me to grow from this experience.  I wish it didn't have to be painful to learn it this way, but I guess this is what it means to grow up.

I finally let you go from my heart a whole year after our divorce.  I took our wedding engagement photos out of my violin case.  I don't know why I didn't do it sooner, but I must have been still holding onto some kind of nonexistent hope in hopes that things didn't have to be this way.  I have finally accepted my reality and started to finally feel free.  So long.

Truly,
Eun-Jin