Dear Ex-Husband

I was so angry with you for walking out on our relationship, but now I must thank you for giving my life back.  Perhaps I left our relationship a long time ago before you ever walked away when I felt rejected by your inability to understand me or support me in my endeavors.  I was so disappointed and angry that I never let you forget it.  This was my greatest sin in our marriage, and I am sorry for putting you through hell in the form of guilt trips.  In the process of proving you wrong, I have only grown to become selfish, obsessive, and plain miserable.

I wish I had given you more credit for the good qualities that you do have.  You are very responsible and a man of your word.  I love that about you.  Even now, I know if you say you will do something (although you probably will never promise to do anything for me at this point), I know I can count on you.  Perhaps we would have made a better business partner than a marriage partner.

I wish I had known what it meant to have a good, healthy relationship.  I know more bad relationships than good ones, and I have yet to figure out how people maintain good relationships.  Even still, thank you for allowing me to grow from this experience.  I wish it didn't have to be painful to learn it this way, but I guess this is what it means to grow up.

I finally let you go from my heart a whole year after our divorce.  I took our wedding engagement photos out of my violin case.  I don't know why I didn't do it sooner, but I must have been still holding onto some kind of nonexistent hope in hopes that things didn't have to be this way.  I have finally accepted my reality and started to finally feel free.  So long.

Truly,
Eun-Jin

EX... What is it so hard to forget you?

I don't know why I have such mixed feelings when I think about you.  I feel hatred when I think of you, and yet I secretly loved it when I heard from you.  I thought I was over you, then why do all these mixed feelings come alive when I have any kind of communication with you?  My first thought was, "are you ok?"  Because it seemed out of your character to care about me.  Maybe something big happened that made you soft for a moment.  Then I got curious.  "What are you up to?"  When I asked you that, I wasn't really asking what you are up to.  I wanted to see if you were seeing someone.  My brain tells me I should never be with you or even want to be with you.  At the same time, somewhere deep inside, I wish that you still want me knowing that we are not a good fit.  Then the next whiff of emotions come over me that says, 'I need to make you regret for ever letting me go.'  Funny that I think that you let me go, when I had let go of the relationship when I blamed you for my unhappiness...  I go on to tell you how well I'm doing.  How busy I am.  I tell you I'm so much happier now that we are no longer together.  It is true that I am happier now, but I'm not sure that it is because we are no longer together.  I finally learned how to be happy, and that no one else other than myself could make me happy.  Somewhere deep inside, I wish we were able to be more mature and communicated and somehow made things work.  I wish I didn't have to tell people that I'm divorced or how I got the last name "Carman."  Every time I do, I feel the scar.  I realize that I'm a different person than I was before.  Believe it or not, I'm a better person in many ways, but I am also jaded.  I don't feel pain the way I used to.  I think I'm somewhat numb to it.

I sometimes wonder if I will ever be completely over you.  Will that be the day a man replaces your place in my heart?  I don't even think I loved you as much as I was obsessed about you...  But somewhere over the year, I must have grown to care about you.  Not in the way you wanted to be cared for, but still cared nonetheless.  I started seeing someone...  He's probably the nicest guy I've ever been with but the ache hasn't gone away.  How long, who, and what will it take for me to feel indifferent so you no longer have any power in my life?

Thanksgiving

With Thanksgiving approaching, I am reminded of how grateful I am for my family.  I don't know what I would do without them.  This year has been the toughest year dealing with grief and separation.  I have been so tempted to give up on this life journey.  But I wake up every morning and as long as I'm breathing, I have no choice but the endure.  This is the first Thanksgiving without my mom, and I miss her.  I miss her kindness, her unconditional love, and her listening ears.

I feel like I'm living a nightmare.  I spent the last four years in a miserable marriage.  I should be happy to be getting out, but I feel like I sacrificed so much for it to all fail and feel rather bitter about the bad investment of my time.  Perhaps I stayed in the relationship for a long time because of my own insecurities and fear of having to be self reliant, but here I am having to do it.  I am now on a hunt for my happiness.  I have to figure out who I am again and what makes me happy.  What do I live for?  Is it to gain knowledge?  Help people?  Money?  What is my passion for living?  As of today, I'm not sure what I live for, but I hope I will figure it out soon.

A broken heart

I never knew what it meant to have a broken heart.  I had experienced a heartache or two before in the process of finding my husband, but I did not allow anyone or anything to break it.  When I heard that my mom passed away, I felt like my whole world had just crumbled into pieces.

I loved my mother, but I had been carrying on so much hate in the past three years that I have failed to see that she was suffering.  The little spirituality that I had left in me must have known that she was going to leave this world because I had been controlling everything I possibly could and holding on with my dear life, but had been slowly giving up bits and pieces of me.  

I feel regret and sadness when I think that I could have made it a bit easier for her by taking a better care of myself.  I wish I had been stronger for her because she really needed me to be.  But this one time, it was too hard for me to bear.  I knew seeing her on November 9th was not going to be helpful for her health, but I was in desperate need to feel that I am loved.  I wish I had not caused her more pain.  The weeks leading up to this past monday, she called me and talked with me for not just minutes but for hours at a time to make sure that I was okay even in her greatest pain.  She was so Christlike and asked me about the things that I had gone through to help me survive this world.  I can't help but to wonder if she had left earlier because she felt responsible for my stupidity and selfishness or she felt that she could not watch the other daughter get ill.  For my own sanity, I must believe that it was her time to go.  

Mom, if you are reading this on the other side, I will work really hard to be healthier so those painful times you were strong for me were not wasted.  Thank you for all the sacrifices you have made for me so that I could live the American dream.  I know you are with your mother now and finally free to do all the things you wanted to do.  I love you with all my heart.  

falling back in love with my ipad

So, I seem to have issues posting entries when I write them because I wrote this entry back in May of this year...

I got my ipad last year as my birthday gift. I loved it. I loved being able to see my whole week's schedule in a snapshot, and browsing on the internet was fun. I originally thought that I would be using it to e-mail a lot, but I noticed that I did not enjoy writing e-mails with ipad the longer I had it... I knew I needed a standard keyboard for me to really use it for what I intended, but who really wants to spend apple's version of accessories for their exorbitant price? It was enough that I got their product. Plus, I live with a husband who hates apple products (although he may be coming around after he got siri iphone as his work phone). He thinks that they're overpriced and useless compared to a PC. Well, apple products may not be cost efficient, but they sure look nice and work great for my needs. In any case, I've been carrying around my ipad without a protective cover or case for them. It really bothered Jesse cuz I would drop it every now and then... A year after I had gotten my ipad, I finally decided that it was time to get a nice case for my ipad. I went into Brookstone and fell in love with their newest ipad leather case. I love the smell of leather--probably because I equate leather with luxuriousness. I think it took me 3 trips to the Brookstone to finally decide that I wanted it enough to get it.  :)

There is an opposition to all things...

If you asked me how I was doing last week, I would say hell broke loose in my life.  It was as if the devil himself was hovering over me making sure that I was miserable and also ensuring that I make everyone around me suffer as well.  Every now and then, I make mistakes.  Sometimes, these mistakes costs me so much that it humbles me to never want to do it again.  Other times, I fight with the consequences because the consequences seem too cruel for the mistake itself.  Perhaps one would argue that I had a bad attitude dealing with my circumstances last week.  However, I would argue that the consequences that I had to deal with was still uncalled for because no one deserves to be be bullied.  Through it all, I have to say that I am growing up.  I'm not sure if I am learning the lesson I'm suppose to be learning, but I am learning to stand up for myself for the very first time.

I have to thank god for this week.  He must have noticed that I have been feeling stuck and lost.  He also must know me really well in that I find happiness in seeing my violin studio grow as well as meeting other musicians who share similar passions.  While I spent the past weekend being furious over a ridiculous incident on Thursday, then tortured my poor husband for something he didn't intend to do or something I normally would not have gotten so uptight over, I still had really good news when Monday rolled around.  I had a new student inquiry!  New students inquiries actually happen all the time except no one actually thank you for simply replying to them.  Usually, people will inquire then get annoyed at you for calling them back.  On Tuesday, a cellist that I met about a month or so ago contacted me to do a wedding gig with her which is especially exciting because I have been feeling like I need a social life with people like me.  Yesterday my hubby and I picked up our free movie tickets he won from the radio.  Now, winning something never happens to me.  It's a midnight showing of "Dark Shadows."  While blessing are pouring in this week, I must still deal with the situation from last week....  Wish me luck!

Dear 2012,

I have not written much in the past couple of years that I find myself at loss for words...

I hope that you will teach me how to love and care about something or someone again.  I feel like I have been feeling rather down losing the goodness I had in me the past couple of years.  I see that some of the good has turned into bitterness towards others as well as myself.  As a result, I have been very consumed in finding self-worth and trying to justify my reason for being.  I hope that you will help me see the good in people and the good that they do rather than only identifying their weaknesses. 

Above all, I hope that you can teach me to love myself with self-awareness, the way my Heavenly Father loves me, for it is impossible for me to love others when I do not take care for me.  I hope that you will help me open my heart to know and believe that there is good in me again.

Truly,
Eun-Jin