Thanksgiving

With Thanksgiving approaching, I am reminded of how grateful I am for my family.  I don't know what I would do without them.  This year has been the toughest year dealing with grief and separation.  I have been so tempted to give up on this life journey.  But I wake up every morning and as long as I'm breathing, I have no choice but the endure.  This is the first Thanksgiving without my mom, and I miss her.  I miss her kindness, her unconditional love, and her listening ears.

I feel like I'm living a nightmare.  I spent the last four years in a miserable marriage.  I should be happy to be getting out, but I feel like I sacrificed so much for it to all fail and feel rather bitter about the bad investment of my time.  Perhaps I stayed in the relationship for a long time because of my own insecurities and fear of having to be self reliant, but here I am having to do it.  I am now on a hunt for my happiness.  I have to figure out who I am again and what makes me happy.  What do I live for?  Is it to gain knowledge?  Help people?  Money?  What is my passion for living?  As of today, I'm not sure what I live for, but I hope I will figure it out soon.

A broken heart

I never knew what it meant to have a broken heart.  I had experienced a heartache or two before in the process of finding my husband, but I did not allow anyone or anything to break it.  When I heard that my mom passed away, I felt like my whole world had just crumbled into pieces.

I loved my mother, but I had been carrying on so much hate in the past three years that I have failed to see that she was suffering.  The little spirituality that I had left in me must have known that she was going to leave this world because I had been controlling everything I possibly could and holding on with my dear life, but had been slowly giving up bits and pieces of me.  

I feel regret and sadness when I think that I could have made it a bit easier for her by taking a better care of myself.  I wish I had been stronger for her because she really needed me to be.  But this one time, it was too hard for me to bear.  I knew seeing her on November 9th was not going to be helpful for her health, but I was in desperate need to feel that I am loved.  I wish I had not caused her more pain.  The weeks leading up to this past monday, she called me and talked with me for not just minutes but for hours at a time to make sure that I was okay even in her greatest pain.  She was so Christlike and asked me about the things that I had gone through to help me survive this world.  I can't help but to wonder if she had left earlier because she felt responsible for my stupidity and selfishness or she felt that she could not watch the other daughter get ill.  For my own sanity, I must believe that it was her time to go.  

Mom, if you are reading this on the other side, I will work really hard to be healthier so those painful times you were strong for me were not wasted.  Thank you for all the sacrifices you have made for me so that I could live the American dream.  I know you are with your mother now and finally free to do all the things you wanted to do.  I love you with all my heart.  

falling back in love with my ipad

So, I seem to have issues posting entries when I write them because I wrote this entry back in May of this year...

I got my ipad last year as my birthday gift. I loved it. I loved being able to see my whole week's schedule in a snapshot, and browsing on the internet was fun. I originally thought that I would be using it to e-mail a lot, but I noticed that I did not enjoy writing e-mails with ipad the longer I had it... I knew I needed a standard keyboard for me to really use it for what I intended, but who really wants to spend apple's version of accessories for their exorbitant price? It was enough that I got their product. Plus, I live with a husband who hates apple products (although he may be coming around after he got siri iphone as his work phone). He thinks that they're overpriced and useless compared to a PC. Well, apple products may not be cost efficient, but they sure look nice and work great for my needs. In any case, I've been carrying around my ipad without a protective cover or case for them. It really bothered Jesse cuz I would drop it every now and then... A year after I had gotten my ipad, I finally decided that it was time to get a nice case for my ipad. I went into Brookstone and fell in love with their newest ipad leather case. I love the smell of leather--probably because I equate leather with luxuriousness. I think it took me 3 trips to the Brookstone to finally decide that I wanted it enough to get it.  :)

There is an opposition to all things...

If you asked me how I was doing last week, I would say hell broke loose in my life.  It was as if the devil himself was hovering over me making sure that I was miserable and also ensuring that I make everyone around me suffer as well.  Every now and then, I make mistakes.  Sometimes, these mistakes costs me so much that it humbles me to never want to do it again.  Other times, I fight with the consequences because the consequences seem too cruel for the mistake itself.  Perhaps one would argue that I had a bad attitude dealing with my circumstances last week.  However, I would argue that the consequences that I had to deal with was still uncalled for because no one deserves to be be bullied.  Through it all, I have to say that I am growing up.  I'm not sure if I am learning the lesson I'm suppose to be learning, but I am learning to stand up for myself for the very first time.

I have to thank god for this week.  He must have noticed that I have been feeling stuck and lost.  He also must know me really well in that I find happiness in seeing my violin studio grow as well as meeting other musicians who share similar passions.  While I spent the past weekend being furious over a ridiculous incident on Thursday, then tortured my poor husband for something he didn't intend to do or something I normally would not have gotten so uptight over, I still had really good news when Monday rolled around.  I had a new student inquiry!  New students inquiries actually happen all the time except no one actually thank you for simply replying to them.  Usually, people will inquire then get annoyed at you for calling them back.  On Tuesday, a cellist that I met about a month or so ago contacted me to do a wedding gig with her which is especially exciting because I have been feeling like I need a social life with people like me.  Yesterday my hubby and I picked up our free movie tickets he won from the radio.  Now, winning something never happens to me.  It's a midnight showing of "Dark Shadows."  While blessing are pouring in this week, I must still deal with the situation from last week....  Wish me luck!

Dear 2012,

I have not written much in the past couple of years that I find myself at loss for words...

I hope that you will teach me how to love and care about something or someone again.  I feel like I have been feeling rather down losing the goodness I had in me the past couple of years.  I see that some of the good has turned into bitterness towards others as well as myself.  As a result, I have been very consumed in finding self-worth and trying to justify my reason for being.  I hope that you will help me see the good in people and the good that they do rather than only identifying their weaknesses. 

Above all, I hope that you can teach me to love myself with self-awareness, the way my Heavenly Father loves me, for it is impossible for me to love others when I do not take care for me.  I hope that you will help me open my heart to know and believe that there is good in me again.

Truly,
Eun-Jin

Things of the past

Since I've moved into the new house, I have one bedroom that was turned into the storage room.  I have already spent many hours sorting, but but I can't seem to get it to look like a room...  While I was going through piles of old pictures, I noticed that I also kept a note from a boy I once liked.  He had gotten me flowers for the valentine's day my freshman year of college.  It was probably the only valentine's day of my single life that I ever got anything considering I had never had a significant other on holidays and my birthdays--this has thankfully changed when I met my hubby.  I can't believe I kept it all these years...  It must have been important to me then.  I of course tossed it away as it was another item that was cluttering my current space.  It probably would have been kept and made into a cute page had I been into scrapbooking 7 years ago.  The way I see it, it's a good thing I have no desire to scrapbook.  If I was obsessed with it, nothing (ticket subs, letters, notes, cards, etc...) would ever get tossed away.  I already struggle as it is to keep a clutter-free home.  It's so hard!

On another thought, why is it signiticantly more difficult to throw away pictures?  I feel like it's a sin to throw away pictures with people you know in it.  I know, tell me about it.  That's seriously every single picture in my pile.

It's been a long time...

It's been more than a year since I tried writing for myself.  It's strange that listening to music would inspire me to reach deep inside and try to put my life in writing.

I would say that I've had one of greater growing experiences this past couple of years with many changes in my life.  I got married, graduated from college, experienced joy and sadness seeing my extended family in Korea that I had not seen for over 12 years, lived with my in-laws for one summer, made a 2,000-mile move to Richmond from Utah, tried working in retail management, worked with children with disabilities, then built my own violin studio from nothing.  Somewhere along the journey, I would say I got lost--I didn't know exactly how to be me and catch up with my rapidly changing life.  I had really high hopes for myself, so I never expected to struggle finding the perfect job after college in the field that I spent 5 years studying.  I never thought that I would be that girl--feeling bored and empty.  After all, I married the man of my dreams.  Even if you have a best friend by your side, you occasionally experience the most lonely times with him looking sweetly into your eyes.

You see, nothing in life prepares you to deal with disappointments.  All though school, you are taught to dream big, but you are not taught how to get back up when your dreams are shattered.  Then there is the rest of the world that tells you that you're not good enough.  How could I not see then that it was good enough as long as I was making a progress?

Some may say that my life appears to be easy and great.  I would have to agree that there is no physical discomfort for which I am very grateful for.  I have also noticed that when things seem easy that it's hard to feel anything because there is no sense of accomplishment nor sense of agony that reminds you that you are alive.  To me, these are the most scary times because the lack of motivation, feelings of apathy, and boredom take over and paralyze me.

I am so grateful that the Lord knows me really well.  Just when I feel that there is nothing left in me to feel, he blesses me with opportunities to feel alive again.  Sometimes, it comes through a form of an unexpected friendship, job opportunities, an inspiration that guides me to make my dreams a reality, or a change of heart.  It's strange that all of those things reach me through a form of an art...