Things of the past

Since I've moved into the new house, I have one bedroom that was turned into the storage room.  I have already spent many hours sorting, but but I can't seem to get it to look like a room...  While I was going through piles of old pictures, I noticed that I also kept a note from a boy I once liked.  He had gotten me flowers for the valentine's day my freshman year of college.  It was probably the only valentine's day of my single life that I ever got anything considering I had never had a significant other on holidays and my birthdays--this has thankfully changed when I met my hubby.  I can't believe I kept it all these years...  It must have been important to me then.  I of course tossed it away as it was another item that was cluttering my current space.  It probably would have been kept and made into a cute page had I been into scrapbooking 7 years ago.  The way I see it, it's a good thing I have no desire to scrapbook.  If I was obsessed with it, nothing (ticket subs, letters, notes, cards, etc...) would ever get tossed away.  I already struggle as it is to keep a clutter-free home.  It's so hard!

On another thought, why is it signiticantly more difficult to throw away pictures?  I feel like it's a sin to throw away pictures with people you know in it.  I know, tell me about it.  That's seriously every single picture in my pile.

It's been a long time...

It's been more than a year since I tried writing for myself.  It's strange that listening to music would inspire me to reach deep inside and try to put my life in writing.

I would say that I've had one of greater growing experiences this past couple of years with many changes in my life.  I got married, graduated from college, experienced joy and sadness seeing my extended family in Korea that I had not seen for over 12 years, lived with my in-laws for one summer, made a 2,000-mile move to Richmond from Utah, tried working in retail management, worked with children with disabilities, then built my own violin studio from nothing.  Somewhere along the journey, I would say I got lost--I didn't know exactly how to be me and catch up with my rapidly changing life.  I had really high hopes for myself, so I never expected to struggle finding the perfect job after college in the field that I spent 5 years studying.  I never thought that I would be that girl--feeling bored and empty.  After all, I married the man of my dreams.  Even if you have a best friend by your side, you occasionally experience the most lonely times with him looking sweetly into your eyes.

You see, nothing in life prepares you to deal with disappointments.  All though school, you are taught to dream big, but you are not taught how to get back up when your dreams are shattered.  Then there is the rest of the world that tells you that you're not good enough.  How could I not see then that it was good enough as long as I was making a progress?

Some may say that my life appears to be easy and great.  I would have to agree that there is no physical discomfort for which I am very grateful for.  I have also noticed that when things seem easy that it's hard to feel anything because there is no sense of accomplishment nor sense of agony that reminds you that you are alive.  To me, these are the most scary times because the lack of motivation, feelings of apathy, and boredom take over and paralyze me.

I am so grateful that the Lord knows me really well.  Just when I feel that there is nothing left in me to feel, he blesses me with opportunities to feel alive again.  Sometimes, it comes through a form of an unexpected friendship, job opportunities, an inspiration that guides me to make my dreams a reality, or a change of heart.  It's strange that all of those things reach me through a form of an art...

dreams...

I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up and be a grown up...  Every day, I wake up and realize that I don't feel any older than I did when I was 16.  I still have those dreams like ones you dream about when you are a little kid.  When I was little, I would dream about becoming famous.  It didn't matter what it was for really, but I chose violin because it was what I did best.  Well, I went to Manhattan School of Music and realized shortly after that there were hundreds of others just like me.  Dreams shattered...

Even still, I haven't completely given up.  Just the other day, when I was working on my violin studio website, I had this crazy idea of getting my own recording out for the LDS community.  Instead of playing solos since I am not Jenny Oaks Baker, I could play violin duets with my sister!  I thought it was a genius idea only to be shot down when I mentioned it to In-Kyung, my sister.  I just don't think there is much instrumental music out there for the LDS community because most of them are singers.  Oh well.  I'll have to wait until I have the opportunity one day...

Recently, I've also noticed that I have very much conflicting dreams.  I want to get a master's degree in social work, but I also want a successful violin studio.  I want to start having kids in the next 3 years or so which means I kind of have to choose one or the other so that I will be somewhere into my career...  Then I was crazy enough to check out music graduate programs although I probably rather not spend 2 years playing the violin 5 hours every day nor do I know if I can make one of those big named ones now that I've been out of training for almost 5 years...  sigh.  Time will tell--I hope.

Map

Wow.. never thought trying to put a google map on my violin studio website would be such a pain...
All I want it to do is what it's doing here.... DISPLAY the image. UGH.

Love vs. Selfishness

"I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion."  - President Gordan B. Hinckley

Perhaps one can say the same thing about true love since one should not marry someone without it...  one should care and love someone so much that one is willing to commit himself or herself in making one's eternal companion happy forever.  If anything, isn't marriage the most important decision that one makes in one's lifetime?  The person you are with and will be with shapes you, determines the life style you will have, and defines who you will be.  Marriage is not only universally recognized, but has always been recognized since the beginning of the times of creation.  For that very reason, the adversity tries to defile what is so sacred with temptations and by normalizing and minimizing the magnitude of transgressions...  Sadly, the rates of divorce is increasing and alternate life styles, too, are becoming more and more accepted throughout the nation.

I'm learning that selfishness is the root of all evil.  The world tells us to be selfish--to do the things that make us happy.  The world defines happiness as pleasure, escape from the reality, and fulfillment of the desires of men.  However, real happiness is lasting--it is not fleeting giving a temporary high only to be followed by emptiness.

It is when we allow selfishness to coexist with ourselves that our relationships with others suffer because instead of thinking, "what can I do for you," we are asking, "what do you have to offer me?"  I hope that one day, I'll learn to be completely selfless and remember to never settle for the way I am today but always seek progression towards being better--towards perfection.  I dream of the day when I have the opportunity to marry a man of my dreams who will do whatever it takes to be a man of God for an eternity...

Can I Count on You?

Will you be there to catch me when I fall regardless of any given situation, or will you let me fall and hope that I will get up on my own?  

Will you hold me when I'm in tears?

Can I believe that you will care for me tomorrow and forever as you cared for me today and yesterday?

When I turn around, will you still be there?  

Will you think of me when I'm not in sight? 

Can I count on you and believe that you'll always be there for me?"

Never Say Never

All this time, I've thought that I would be this one way because I thought I saw everything in black and white...  Sometimes, it's not a matter of what is right or what is wrong--it's simply a matter of what works for you.  

I've realized that feelings, thoughts, and people change all the time.  So, you never know when you might do something that you once vowed that you'd never do.  And that's okay as long as you're following your morals and you're not hurting anyone.  Isn't it a relief to know that we can change?  It can be scary too because the change doesn't always imply for the better, but that is why we always aim really high so that no matter what, we will be better than yesterday.

My current Favorite Song:

"…I hear you in my dreams

I feel your whisper across the sea

I keep you with me in my heart

You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend

Lucky to have been where I have been…”