Dear 2009,

I'm not going to write down New Year's Resolution this time around telling you of all my dreams and hopes of achievements for the year to come... Instead of feeling revived that it's a new year, the thought of writing down goals is only making me feel overwhelmed and anxious.

I hope that you will bring peace to my family. It pains me to watch my family in fights all the time--all the blaming that happens because no one feels valued by one another. Somehow, with the years of conflict, they have forgotten that they must value themselves too. How could good people put together create a nightmare for one another?

I desire to learn to separate my world and other people's world so that I do not allow other people's misdeeds have such a huge impact in my life. That way, I can still carry on with my life. I hope to have compassion for others and learn that I do not have to completely lose myself when in service of others.

I hope to experience passion and love all in one--to know and feel what it's like to want to live and die for something or someone... I hope to learn to follow my heart rather than doing all the calculations in my head only to realize that the rationality has prevented me to fully experience what life has to offer. I seek to live with and conquer my fears rather than pretending that I am one with no fears...

So, if you can, remind me time and time again of the meaning of life that I may find my purpose and learn to always have joy.


Truly,
Eun-Jin


"Try not to become a man of success. Rather become a man of value." - Albert Einstein

Identity

How do you define who you are? Do you know who you are? Who and what is in control of establishing your identity? It is yourself or the opinion of others? Is it your success? If so, how do you define your success?

I remember sitting in a human development class last year when MaryAnn had all the students write down as many things as we could answering "who am I?" in one minute. This was the very first time I noticed that I was very lost... I didn't know who I was aside from the roles I was expected to play in my life--a college student, a daughter, a sister, a roommate, then the list shifted to the a few of my talents. Then the list stopped there. I was stuck. I looked at the list and was disappointed that I seemed like nobody--no one worth remembering anyways.

All my life, I've worked very hard to make myself stand out--to be different. Because to be like everyone else meant having to conform and be nothing more than average. I didn't want to be just another ordinary girl. I wanted to be...unforgettable. For this very reason, I thrived on achievements wherefore the achievement and recognition that came from it determined my worth. If I had been working merely for others' recognition, what happens afterwards after the efforts have been recognized, after an applause on the stage has faded, or after the prize has been won? What then will I strive for? And if the achievements are forgotten or unrecognized, will I still find self worth and remember who I am?

It's daring to be average. It takes a greater courage to accept oneself because, in doing so, we are not only accepting our reality but also accepting a life without glory.

Today, I'm not proud of having talents... It appears grand at times, but I devote myself in developing the talents in hopes that I find my worth and to ensure that I do not get forgotten. For my obituary, if I ever become important enough to have one, I don't want to be remembered for my talents--things that just came easier for me than others because I was born with it. Rather, I want to be remembered for the good qualities I had and how people around me were affected by the existence of me...

"What mankind wants is not talent; it is purpose." Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

'Boooo'tylicious Halloween Party

I think this just might have been the very last dance party I will be apart of in hosting for the rest of my college life... A part of me wants to do another one next semester, but it's really not promising with less unity in the apartment. In any case, I was extremely pleased with the turnout for the party.

Picture Time!

Cleopatra, Indian Bride, Two Contemporary Ballerina, Greek goddess
(Brooke, Katie, a friend of Suzy, Susy, and me)

Some of my friends that came to the party captured in pictures!!!


"The non-matching couples"

What is Jared suppose to be???

Cute!!! Katie didn't even know that Charan was going to be coming as an Indian until 20 minutes before he arrived. That's just awesome.

A few of my favorites...

w/ Aura Maria________________ w/ Katie & pumkin

w/ Brooke

Stephanie, Elizabeth, Ashley, & Brooke________________Yeah!!!

We're totally matching! Aww, how precious. haha
(Jesse & I)

Considering that this was the very first time I went all out for the Halloween and dressed up, I enjoyed it. The best part in my opinion is the after the fact when you get to see the pictures. I get some kind of satisfaction seeing them as if it somehow makes the memories more valid...

To Know, See, and Act

The world says, "what you see must be reality." It assumes that we cannot know until we see it.

What if what you see is a reflection of what you want to see as oppose to what it really is? What if one cannot see what is plain in sight because they simply refuse to see it? What about those that cannot see because they fail to recognize or see any meaning in it? In another words, they let life happen to them, so they miss the meaning in it as they breeze through life.

In John 6:26, "Jesus answered them and said, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Ye seek me, not because ye saw the miracles, but because ye did eat of the loaves, and were filled."

In the scriptures, Christ said they did not see the miracles... At the same time, it is clear that people were looking for Christ shortly after having been fed by him and witnessing the miracle of feeding the five thousand. So, what did Christ really mean?

The people had seen the effects of the miracle--they were fed. However, they lacked the knowledge that he was the Christ wherefore they completely missed the miracle in the process. Had they realized he was the Christ and what they had witnessed, they would have wanted to learn from him. They would have recognized Christ. They would not have followed him for the sake of curiosity or because he fed the 5,000. They would not have needed to see that he could feed the 5,000 to know that he was Christ.

Let's take a more simple example that we can relate to. If we were to go to a circus, a child looks at a magic show and believes that it really happened. If a hat disappeared, it really disappeared according to a child. An adult looks at the same show and knows that it was just an illusion because an adult has the knowledge that it is not possible that a matter can simply disappear. An adult does not have to see how the illusion was created to know that it was just a trick. Depending on our knowledge, what and how we see the event changes.

Same is true of faith and trust. If we are always saying, " I have to see to believe," we have set ourselves up to never believe because even if we were given the signs, we will not see it because we will reject it saying, "that is a lie," or "it can't be because it's not possible." In which case, we will never know because we have conditioned to reject it no matter what happens.

Moving on to my favorite topic of relationships with others, how many times do we hear people say, "You have to earn my trust?" I've heard it countless times and I'm also guilty as charged. Once again, it's the same concept that we cannot believe until proven with results. In this mentality, it is then impossible to prove to someone that he or she should be trusted because if he or she messes up once, one becomes untrustworthy. If he or she does something right, it was expected therefore one still has not earned the trust in which case establishment of trust is not a possibility.

Now, for those of us who believe in God, do you see the results/effects of your prayer, or do you see the miracle/power of the prayer? Do you see the miracle as it is happening? Can you feel and know the influence of our Heavenly Father in your daily lives or do you notice him and credit him only when the heavy burden is lifted?

a price to pay

There are consequences for every action or inaction taken. Every choice gears us toward a direction. Even the times we hesitate or don't take the chance, that is a choice we make. Such choices make us wonder of what could have beens and what ifs... Then, when we do take risks and things don't work out as we planned them or hoped for, we're faced to deal with our crushed ideals--the thing that never came to pass.

In a dating perspective, a relationship is only good if it benefits both of the people that are involved. Sometimes, it does not matter how much you like the other person or how perfect he or she seems. I've learned that you can't just be with someone because you like them or because he or she fits your perfect picture. I've also learned that you can't be with someone because they make you feel like you're amazing because what will you do when they no longer feel that way about you?

In an attempt to branch out, I've recently gone on a ton of dates with different types of guys... Once again, I'm coming to the same conclusion that attraction is something that can't be forced. There are amazing guys out there, but I can't make myself like them just because I know that they're amazing guys. I've seen people grow to love someone, so I keep trying because the guys that I have gone for in the past have never been good for me. A part of me thinks that if the guy has an amazing personality and there is nothing wrong with them, wouldn't I eventually develop feeling for them? In my personal experience, things have never worked that way. I guess I've never grown to love someone. I've never invested enough of my time or my heart to let them be a part of my life. At the same time, when there are only so many hours in a day with so many things to do, why try making things work with people when there are other people out there that just work better and easier from the beginning to be together?

Currently, I feel like I've done my fair share of branching out. I'm not in need for guys' attention anymore. It's only nice when you like them. Otherwise, it's annoying. I also noticed that it gets harder to tell someone that you just don't see the relationships going anywhere the longer you wait so it's best to end things as early as possible once a clear picture and a decision has been made. There's a price to pay though. You lose a friend along the way sometimes. In my case, just about 99% of the time (I'll leave the 1% just in case it changes in the future) because I feel that the investment of time and work to maintain a friendship isn't worth the effort to spend time with someone that likes you whom you don't have the same liking for or with someone you once had feelings for that does not return the same feelings because, for any relationships to work, it requires that the relationship mutually benefits both people...

The way I see it, someone gets hurt in the process or in the end when it does not mutually benefit both people. Someone sticks around because having them as a friend is better than nothing at all hoping that it can change one day. Someone allows the other person to be around because they have nothing to lose because, let's face it, it's refreshing to have someone like you all the time if you don't mind their company and you have the time to waste. You see, there are sacrifices made to make such relationship function. Some think it's worth it, but I argue that it's never worth making sacrifices where you have to give away pieces of yourself. At the end of the day, either cases will leave you feeling empty because as Milton Friedman once said, "There is no such thing as a free lunch."

First Time for Everything

So... after being opposed to being set up for years, i finally agreed to going on a blind date this past Saturday. I guess it wasn't bad or awkward like the stories you hear of. Even still, my views haven't changed. There's something nice about a guy wanting to take you out because he's interested in getting to know you. I guess one could say I've been spoiled... but you see every girl deserves to be spoiled.

Recommendation for dates:
1) Keep the first date short. Have you been on a really good long first date where you got so tired that you're no longer present? I didn't think so.
2) Ask your date questions so you get to know them--there's nothing worse than to realize at the end of the date that you don't know any more of the other person than you did before the date. i mean, what was the point?
3) Be yourself. No one really wants to date a picture of you or an idea of you. People want to date you for who you are.

I say this as if I know what's best, and yet maybe long first dates do work for some people. Perhaps some people are content with just spending time with others.

Through it all, I really do enjoy getting to know people. I learn so much about myself by being with other people. It keeps me in check with who I am and who I want to be.

Here

"On my way here
Where I am now
I've learned to fly
I have to want to leave the ground
I've fallen hard
But I've been loved
And in the end it all works out
My faith has conquered fear
On my way here."

- lyrics from On My Way Here
by Clay Aiken




I don't have too many regrets, but sometimes... just sometimes, I torture myself with the useless thoughts of what ifs...