Stagnant... too stubborn

I happen to make my life so much harder than it needs to be...  It's the little stubborn kid in me that keeps getting me into bigger trouble.  As a little kid, if my parents told me "no," I refused to accept "no" for an answer.  I whined and threw temper tantrums until I got my way, but sometimes I didn't get it my way.  Actually, I didn't get it my way most of the time.  However, it didn't stop me from throwing temper tantrums even with the knowledge that I was going to receive a punishment as a result of my bad behavior.  One might argue that perhaps the punishment wasn't great enough to stop me, but my parents would tell you that I was just too stubborn for my own good.

Over the years, you would think that I had learned this lesson a long time ago, but I still find myself repeating the same mistake.  The main difference is that I was four then, and I had the excuse of, "she's only a little kid who doesn't know any better."  Now?  At the age of adulthood, it's simply pathetic.

I used to make fun of all the girls that stayed in relationships that was no good for them or girls who made excuses for the guy's bad behaviors.  As an outsider, it was so easy to see that the girl had somehow allowed the guy to treat her badly.  Of course, if the guy was truly as amazing as she said he was, he would have never treated her badly in the first place.  In essence, both are to blame.  At the same time, it's no reason to continue to be in non-working relationship if both people are not willing to give 100% to the relationship.  

So, let's say that two people are dating.  Since it's in the beginning of the relationship, everyone puts on this mask and is on their best behavior in the first few months.  You can't live life behind a mask though because pretending to be something that you're not is extremely exhausting.  So, layer by layer, you start to reveal who you really are.  The problem is this: the girl refuses to accept what is being shown later in the relationship for what she saw through the colored lens in the beginning of the relationship.  Since she's still holding on to the idea of the guy, she can't see the guy for who he is.  Also, if you are stubborn like me, you may even refuse to accept anything contrary to what you want to believe by putting away all the things you don't like into a "if i pretend it's not there, it'll go away" box.  Now, here are two problems surfacing:

1) Refusing to see the reality of things

2) Refusing to accept the reality even after seeing what is true

Of course, life doesn't let you shove your problems away in a box because that defeats the purpose of this life.  Somewhere along the way, you're forced to learn to deal with the issues.

Then here's the case I'm stuck in.  Deep inside, you know that things are over, and yet whenever you see him or hear from him, you wonder if things really had to be over.  Somehow, it's as though the process wasn't painful enough that you're willing to even think about the impossible.  You're hurting, so you expect the other person to be in just as much pain when in truth their feelings never ran very deep.  Well, if they were willing to give it up so fast at the first opportunity to give up, then obviously it wasn't worth very much to that person.  Apparently, you are easily replaceable...  You realize the reality of it all, but even with the reality check, you refuse to accept it for the sake of the wasted love.  At this point, it's a sunk cost!  This is what I call being pathetic.  The trap that so many girls fall into because she simply won't let go.  What's the cost of not letting go?  Her pride.  Her dignity.  Her worth.  When the cost is just so high, why then do people still have a hard time letting go?  

You see, the cost of letting go, too, is high.  It's the best thing to do under the circumstances, but she has to somehow come to terms with the fact that what was once true is no longer true.  What once felt right no longer is right.  She has to give up the hopes of what could have beens...  She must erase the happy times for the sake of gaining her sanity and her future.  She must put the guy down as either a jerk, "lacking," or no longer compatible in her history so that when she meets the next guy, she will be without the emotional baggage.  She somehow has to not just hope but believe that she will find someone better or someone right for her...  At this stage, no one can really help her because it's something she has to do for herself.  She has to love and care about herself enough to find the will to move on.

I once wrote, "Time is an incredible medicine for healing if you will let it... A lot of the times though, we have a hard time letting go. We keep hanging onto what we once had even if it no longer exists. Sometimes, there are truths that we rather not accept because accepting it would be admitting defeat. At the same time, by not accepting the truth, we are only fighting a lost battle..."

The Meaning of Valentine's Day: Love is Selfish by Gary Hull

Every Valentine's Day a certain philosophic crime is perpetrated. Actually, it is committed year-round, but its destructiveness is magnified on this holiday. The crime is the propagation of a widely accepted falsehood: the idea that love is selfless. Love, we are repeatedly taught, consists of self-sacrifice. Love based on self-interest, we are admonished, is cheap and sordid. True love, we are told, is altruistic. But is it?Imagine a Valentine's Day card which takes this premise seriously. Imagine receiving a card with the following message: "I get no pleasure from your existence. I obtain no personal enjoyment from the way you look, dress, move, act or think. Our relationship profits me not. You satisfy no sexual, emotional or intellectual needs of mine. You're a charity case, and I'm with you only out of pity. Love, XXX. "Needless to say, you would be indignant to learn that you are being "loved," not for anything positive you offer your lover, but--like any recipient of alms--for what you lack. Yet that is the perverse view of love entailed in the belief that it is self-sacrificial.Genuine love is the exact opposite. It is the most selfish experience possible, in the true sense of the term: it benefits your life in a way that involves no sacrifice of others to yourself or of yourself to others.To love a person is selfish because it means that you value that particular person, that he or she makes your life better, that he or she is an intense source of joy--to you. A "disinterested" love is a contradiction in terms. One cannot be neutral to that which one values. The time, effort and money you spend on behalf of someone you love are not sacrifices, but actions taken because his or her happiness is crucially important to your own. Such actions would constitute sacrifices only if they were done for a stranger--or for an enemy. Those who argue that love demands self-denial must hold the bizarre belief that it makes no personal difference whether your loved one is healthy or sick, feels pleasure or pain, is alive or dead.It is regularly asserted that love should be unconditional, and that we should "love everyone as a brother." We see this view advocated by the "non-judgmental" grade-school teacher who tells his class that whoever brings a Valentine's Day card for one student must bring cards for everyone. We see it in the appalling dictum of "Hate the sin, but love the sinner"--which would have us condemn death camps but send Hitler a box of Godiva chocolates. Most people would agree that having sex with a person one despises is debased. Yet somehow, when the same underlying idea is applied to love, people consider it noble.Love is far too precious to be offered indiscriminately. It is above all in the area of love that egalitarianism ought to be repudiated. Love represents an exalted exchange--a spiritual exchange--between two people, for the purpose of mutual benefit. You love someone because he or she is a value--a selfish value to you, as determined by your standards--just as you are a value to him or her.It is the view that you ought to be given love unconditionally--the view that you do not deserve it any more than some random bum, the view that it is not a response to anything particular in you, the view that it is causeless--which exemplifies the most ignoble conception of this sublime experience. The nature of love places certain demands on those who wish to enjoy it. You must regard yourself as worthy of being loved. Those who expect to be loved, not because they offer some positive value, but because they don't--i.e., those who demand love as altruistic duty--are parasites. Someone who says "Love me just because I need it" seeks an unearned spiritual value--in the same way that a thief seeks unearned wealth. To quote a famous line from The Fountainhead: "To say 'I love you,' one must know first how to say the 'I. '  "Valentine's Day--with its colorful cards, mouth-watering chocolates and silky lingerie--gives material form to this spiritual value. It is a moment for you to pause, to ignore the trivialities of life--and to celebrate the selfish pleasure of being worthy of someone's love and of having found someone worthy of yours.

Copyright 2004 Ayn Rand Institute. All rights reserved.

Dear 2009,

I'm not going to write down New Year's Resolution this time around telling you of all my dreams and hopes of achievements for the year to come... Instead of feeling revived that it's a new year, the thought of writing down goals is only making me feel overwhelmed and anxious.

I hope that you will bring peace to my family. It pains me to watch my family in fights all the time--all the blaming that happens because no one feels valued by one another. Somehow, with the years of conflict, they have forgotten that they must value themselves too. How could good people put together create a nightmare for one another?

I desire to learn to separate my world and other people's world so that I do not allow other people's misdeeds have such a huge impact in my life. That way, I can still carry on with my life. I hope to have compassion for others and learn that I do not have to completely lose myself when in service of others.

I hope to experience passion and love all in one--to know and feel what it's like to want to live and die for something or someone... I hope to learn to follow my heart rather than doing all the calculations in my head only to realize that the rationality has prevented me to fully experience what life has to offer. I seek to live with and conquer my fears rather than pretending that I am one with no fears...

So, if you can, remind me time and time again of the meaning of life that I may find my purpose and learn to always have joy.


Truly,
Eun-Jin


"Try not to become a man of success. Rather become a man of value." - Albert Einstein

Identity

How do you define who you are? Do you know who you are? Who and what is in control of establishing your identity? It is yourself or the opinion of others? Is it your success? If so, how do you define your success?

I remember sitting in a human development class last year when MaryAnn had all the students write down as many things as we could answering "who am I?" in one minute. This was the very first time I noticed that I was very lost... I didn't know who I was aside from the roles I was expected to play in my life--a college student, a daughter, a sister, a roommate, then the list shifted to the a few of my talents. Then the list stopped there. I was stuck. I looked at the list and was disappointed that I seemed like nobody--no one worth remembering anyways.

All my life, I've worked very hard to make myself stand out--to be different. Because to be like everyone else meant having to conform and be nothing more than average. I didn't want to be just another ordinary girl. I wanted to be...unforgettable. For this very reason, I thrived on achievements wherefore the achievement and recognition that came from it determined my worth. If I had been working merely for others' recognition, what happens afterwards after the efforts have been recognized, after an applause on the stage has faded, or after the prize has been won? What then will I strive for? And if the achievements are forgotten or unrecognized, will I still find self worth and remember who I am?

It's daring to be average. It takes a greater courage to accept oneself because, in doing so, we are not only accepting our reality but also accepting a life without glory.

Today, I'm not proud of having talents... It appears grand at times, but I devote myself in developing the talents in hopes that I find my worth and to ensure that I do not get forgotten. For my obituary, if I ever become important enough to have one, I don't want to be remembered for my talents--things that just came easier for me than others because I was born with it. Rather, I want to be remembered for the good qualities I had and how people around me were affected by the existence of me...

"What mankind wants is not talent; it is purpose." Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

'Boooo'tylicious Halloween Party

I think this just might have been the very last dance party I will be apart of in hosting for the rest of my college life... A part of me wants to do another one next semester, but it's really not promising with less unity in the apartment. In any case, I was extremely pleased with the turnout for the party.

Picture Time!

Cleopatra, Indian Bride, Two Contemporary Ballerina, Greek goddess
(Brooke, Katie, a friend of Suzy, Susy, and me)

Some of my friends that came to the party captured in pictures!!!


"The non-matching couples"

What is Jared suppose to be???

Cute!!! Katie didn't even know that Charan was going to be coming as an Indian until 20 minutes before he arrived. That's just awesome.

A few of my favorites...

w/ Aura Maria________________ w/ Katie & pumkin

w/ Brooke

Stephanie, Elizabeth, Ashley, & Brooke________________Yeah!!!

We're totally matching! Aww, how precious. haha
(Jesse & I)

Considering that this was the very first time I went all out for the Halloween and dressed up, I enjoyed it. The best part in my opinion is the after the fact when you get to see the pictures. I get some kind of satisfaction seeing them as if it somehow makes the memories more valid...

To Know, See, and Act

The world says, "what you see must be reality." It assumes that we cannot know until we see it.

What if what you see is a reflection of what you want to see as oppose to what it really is? What if one cannot see what is plain in sight because they simply refuse to see it? What about those that cannot see because they fail to recognize or see any meaning in it? In another words, they let life happen to them, so they miss the meaning in it as they breeze through life.

In John 6:26, "Jesus answered them and said, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Ye seek me, not because ye saw the miracles, but because ye did eat of the loaves, and were filled."

In the scriptures, Christ said they did not see the miracles... At the same time, it is clear that people were looking for Christ shortly after having been fed by him and witnessing the miracle of feeding the five thousand. So, what did Christ really mean?

The people had seen the effects of the miracle--they were fed. However, they lacked the knowledge that he was the Christ wherefore they completely missed the miracle in the process. Had they realized he was the Christ and what they had witnessed, they would have wanted to learn from him. They would have recognized Christ. They would not have followed him for the sake of curiosity or because he fed the 5,000. They would not have needed to see that he could feed the 5,000 to know that he was Christ.

Let's take a more simple example that we can relate to. If we were to go to a circus, a child looks at a magic show and believes that it really happened. If a hat disappeared, it really disappeared according to a child. An adult looks at the same show and knows that it was just an illusion because an adult has the knowledge that it is not possible that a matter can simply disappear. An adult does not have to see how the illusion was created to know that it was just a trick. Depending on our knowledge, what and how we see the event changes.

Same is true of faith and trust. If we are always saying, " I have to see to believe," we have set ourselves up to never believe because even if we were given the signs, we will not see it because we will reject it saying, "that is a lie," or "it can't be because it's not possible." In which case, we will never know because we have conditioned to reject it no matter what happens.

Moving on to my favorite topic of relationships with others, how many times do we hear people say, "You have to earn my trust?" I've heard it countless times and I'm also guilty as charged. Once again, it's the same concept that we cannot believe until proven with results. In this mentality, it is then impossible to prove to someone that he or she should be trusted because if he or she messes up once, one becomes untrustworthy. If he or she does something right, it was expected therefore one still has not earned the trust in which case establishment of trust is not a possibility.

Now, for those of us who believe in God, do you see the results/effects of your prayer, or do you see the miracle/power of the prayer? Do you see the miracle as it is happening? Can you feel and know the influence of our Heavenly Father in your daily lives or do you notice him and credit him only when the heavy burden is lifted?

a price to pay

There are consequences for every action or inaction taken. Every choice gears us toward a direction. Even the times we hesitate or don't take the chance, that is a choice we make. Such choices make us wonder of what could have beens and what ifs... Then, when we do take risks and things don't work out as we planned them or hoped for, we're faced to deal with our crushed ideals--the thing that never came to pass.

In a dating perspective, a relationship is only good if it benefits both of the people that are involved. Sometimes, it does not matter how much you like the other person or how perfect he or she seems. I've learned that you can't just be with someone because you like them or because he or she fits your perfect picture. I've also learned that you can't be with someone because they make you feel like you're amazing because what will you do when they no longer feel that way about you?

In an attempt to branch out, I've recently gone on a ton of dates with different types of guys... Once again, I'm coming to the same conclusion that attraction is something that can't be forced. There are amazing guys out there, but I can't make myself like them just because I know that they're amazing guys. I've seen people grow to love someone, so I keep trying because the guys that I have gone for in the past have never been good for me. A part of me thinks that if the guy has an amazing personality and there is nothing wrong with them, wouldn't I eventually develop feeling for them? In my personal experience, things have never worked that way. I guess I've never grown to love someone. I've never invested enough of my time or my heart to let them be a part of my life. At the same time, when there are only so many hours in a day with so many things to do, why try making things work with people when there are other people out there that just work better and easier from the beginning to be together?

Currently, I feel like I've done my fair share of branching out. I'm not in need for guys' attention anymore. It's only nice when you like them. Otherwise, it's annoying. I also noticed that it gets harder to tell someone that you just don't see the relationships going anywhere the longer you wait so it's best to end things as early as possible once a clear picture and a decision has been made. There's a price to pay though. You lose a friend along the way sometimes. In my case, just about 99% of the time (I'll leave the 1% just in case it changes in the future) because I feel that the investment of time and work to maintain a friendship isn't worth the effort to spend time with someone that likes you whom you don't have the same liking for or with someone you once had feelings for that does not return the same feelings because, for any relationships to work, it requires that the relationship mutually benefits both people...

The way I see it, someone gets hurt in the process or in the end when it does not mutually benefit both people. Someone sticks around because having them as a friend is better than nothing at all hoping that it can change one day. Someone allows the other person to be around because they have nothing to lose because, let's face it, it's refreshing to have someone like you all the time if you don't mind their company and you have the time to waste. You see, there are sacrifices made to make such relationship function. Some think it's worth it, but I argue that it's never worth making sacrifices where you have to give away pieces of yourself. At the end of the day, either cases will leave you feeling empty because as Milton Friedman once said, "There is no such thing as a free lunch."