Learning the same lesson again...

When will I learn to accept my limitations?  I've noticed that if I'm not stressed dealing with life events, then I create things to get stress out about. Corey thinks I'm addicted to stress.  How could I be addicted if I don't enjoy being stressed at all?

I have been complaining that my life feels boring earlier in 2021.  In an attempt to soothe my boredom, I decided to take on the kitchen renovation--gut the whole thing and redesign it completely.  For a newbie, that's a lot to take on!  Of course I had no idea what I undertook until the kitchen was ripped out only to find out that my kitchen designer did not account for the doorway so we had to redesign one wall and order more cabinets.  That was back in June of 2021.

Then Stella had puppies in August!  I had no idea how much work and time would be spent raising these puppies then find their forever homes... 

Then I signed up to learn C++ and Calculus at the community college.

Then I injured my back trying to prevent a fall during ice skating...  ended up in physical therapy for 4 months.

Then I had to drop the Calculus class mid semester because between the stress and pain, I wasn't sleeping.  Since I wasn't sleeping, I was tired all the time, couldn't focus, and couldn't regulate my emotions.  I had to eat a humble pie because I could not recall the math I haven't done for the last 16 years...

Kitchen cabinets that we reordered in June finally arrived in November due to supply chain issues caused by the pandemic.  Was it caused by the pandemic or was it because of the way we humans freaked out?  That's for another debate.  Since the original cabinet contractors either quit or got fired, I had to wait until December for someone to have the availability to come install the cabinets.  When the new contractor finally came, we discovered a crack on a piece with paint chipping...  So had to order a new part again.  Luckily, the contractor was nice enough to install the parts that could be installed so I have a working stove, sink, and dishwasher.  I still don't know how long it will take for the kitchen to finish seeing that the new part will be not be shipped until February of 2022.  At least so I've been told.  That mean it will have taken me over a year from my first order of cabinets to the finished kitchen...

In any case, I learned my lesson this time.  This semester, I'm only taking one computer science class.  I haven't let my injury stop me from ice skating though.  I'm currently enrolled in two ice skating classes on Saturdays.  😁😊😄😅

Life is Good.

A lot has happened since the last post.  Reread some old posts and unpublished posts taking a trip down the memory lane.  I don't know how I got through some of my life events that were filled with loss, unmet expectations, and grief.  What I do know is that I am still standing.  Today, I am and feel content.  I feel centered in my current life situation and feel safe in the relationships I choose to be in.  I have let go of the feelings of obligation in my relationships.  In a way, I suppose I changed my expectations on each of those relationships that were causing me so much stress and pain.

Life Lessons I learned from my 20s:
1.  Get used to saying "No."  Don't let anyone else make you feel bad for saying no.  You don't owe them an explanation either.
2.  Be the person you want to be regardless of who the other person is.
3.  Say Yes wholeheartedly to the things you wish and desire then follow through.
4.  Be kind to yourself.  When you are kind to yourself, you notice others that are also kind.  It opens your eyes to the kindness in the world.
5.  Everything will be ok.  Even when things are upside down, time lets you heal the open wounds.  You might never fully get over it and there may be scars--but it will pass, and it time, you will learn to be ok again.

Birthday Surprises

I forget to record the moments that are precious and important in life.  Today, I feel compelled to express the gratitude I feel having friends and family around me who have expressed kindness and remembrance for my existence.

Far From the Madding Crowd

Back in the Victorian times, we have novels and stories that tell us that a girl was introduced in the society once she grew out of being a child.  Once she was introduced in a ball, she was now in the market for marriage.  She was to be careful with the suitors she lured and kept in her company.  How proper one must behave when every exchange meant a huge ordeal such as a subtle movement, gesture, and anything that was uttered.  All of these things played a factor in who one ultimately ended up with in marriage.  A man might see a girl he desires and likes, and he then had to make his intentions known.  People in general had to be decisive--for indecision would cost us the chance to ever see them again.

I am glad to be in a society that is much more forgiving and acceptable to different circumstances prior to marriage.  We are free to date as long as we would like without the judgmental looks from others although we may get questions from our own parents who wants grandchildren.  At the same time, the acceptability has also made waiting for marriage out of style.  As I have been dating online, it is one of the main questions I get asked.  "Do you really expect to wait until marriage?"  These are the times I wish I was born in the Victorian times.  I would not be ridiculed for holding onto the old fashioned traditions.  Some have gone as far as saying, "You are not even a virgin.  How could you demand that?"  Decent men at least will say, "That is a worthy goal.  I hope you find him."

As I was watching the movie, it dawned on me that maybe it's not that I want someone who just puts me on a pedestal and lets me do whatever I want.  I secretly desire to be tamed to be someone magnificent by a righteous man who will walk beside me.  He will guide me, love me, and sometimes may experience disappointments.  In the end, he believes and lets me come back because he gives me the space to contemplate and hopefully make righteous decisions on my own.

헤어지지 못하는 여자, 떠나가지 못하는 남자 (Feat. 정인) - 리쌍

I laughed watching this because the title and the song sums up all my relationships...

Translation:  A woman who cannot say goodbye, a man who cannot leave

Heaven on Earth

I know with certainty that the veil between the world here and those that have gone before us is thin.  I have felt the love that Heavenly Father has for me here on earth through the love of my mother.

I was particularly having a hard time when I realized the relationship I had was coming to an end.  My heart was breaking for the loss that was to come, and I just needed to feel loved.  I played the last voicemail I had from my mother before she passed away.  In the voicemail, she expressed how much she loved me, how much she is thinking of me, and how much she wished for me to take a good care of myself.

This may sound crazy to some of you, but when my mother was alive, she used to tell me that when she was having a particularly a hard time, she felt that her mother was trying to communicate with her from heaven through the stereo.  I remember being in the living room as an 7th grader when the stereo turned on by itself.  I remember being creeped out as I felt the hair on arms all shot up with the goosebumps all over my arm because this stereo didn't have a remote control.  My mom was in the kitchen getting food ready for my sister and I.  I was just sitting on the couch on the other side of the room, and my mom popped her head towards me and asked, "You didn't turn on the stereo, did you?"  Tonight, though, my mother comforted me as I lay in bed alone unable to get rest. As soon as I was done playing the voicemail, the computer then turned on Track #4 "from sleep" album in my itunes that I had been listening to help myself fall asleep at night.  It was a message from her telling me, "I am here.  I love you.  Please get some rest."

I cried myself to sleep remembering what it felt like to have her arms around me.  No words were exchanged at least not ones I could hear, and yet I knew she was in the room with me.  Perhaps it is not that our loved ones are gone so much as we the living on earth cannot see them because of the veil, but the veil is a lot thinner than we think if we are willing to open ourselves up to the possibilities.

Dear Ex-Husband

I was so angry with you for walking out on our relationship, but now I must thank you for giving my life back.  Perhaps I left our relationship a long time ago before you ever walked away when I felt rejected by your inability to understand me or support me in my endeavors.  I was so disappointed and angry that I never let you forget it.  This was my greatest sin in our marriage, and I am sorry for putting you through hell in the form of guilt trips.  In the process of proving you wrong, I have only grown to become selfish, obsessive, and plain miserable.

I wish I had given you more credit for the good qualities that you do have.  You are very responsible and a man of your word.  I love that about you.  Even now, I know if you say you will do something (although you probably will never promise to do anything for me at this point), I know I can count on you.  Perhaps we would have made a better business partner than a marriage partner.

I wish I had known what it meant to have a good, healthy relationship.  I know more bad relationships than good ones, and I have yet to figure out how people maintain good relationships.  Even still, thank you for allowing me to grow from this experience.  I wish it didn't have to be painful to learn it this way, but I guess this is what it means to grow up.

I finally let you go from my heart a whole year after our divorce.  I took our wedding engagement photos out of my violin case.  I don't know why I didn't do it sooner, but I must have been still holding onto some kind of nonexistent hope in hopes that things didn't have to be this way.  I have finally accepted my reality and started to finally feel free.  So long.

Truly,
Eun-Jin

EX... What is it so hard to forget you?

I don't know why I have such mixed feelings when I think about you.  I feel hatred when I think of you, and yet I secretly loved it when I heard from you.  I thought I was over you, then why do all these mixed feelings come alive when I have any kind of communication with you?  My first thought was, "are you ok?"  Because it seemed out of your character to care about me.  Maybe something big happened that made you soft for a moment.  Then I got curious.  "What are you up to?"  When I asked you that, I wasn't really asking what you are up to.  I wanted to see if you were seeing someone.  My brain tells me I should never be with you or even want to be with you.  At the same time, somewhere deep inside, I wish that you still want me knowing that we are not a good fit.  Then the next whiff of emotions come over me that says, 'I need to make you regret for ever letting me go.'  Funny that I think that you let me go, when I had let go of the relationship when I blamed you for my unhappiness...  I go on to tell you how well I'm doing.  How busy I am.  I tell you I'm so much happier now that we are no longer together.  It is true that I am happier now, but I'm not sure that it is because we are no longer together.  I finally learned how to be happy, and that no one else other than myself could make me happy.  Somewhere deep inside, I wish we were able to be more mature and communicated and somehow made things work.  I wish I didn't have to tell people that I'm divorced or how I got the last name "Carman."  Every time I do, I feel the scar.  I realize that I'm a different person than I was before.  Believe it or not, I'm a better person in many ways, but I am also jaded.  I don't feel pain the way I used to.  I think I'm somewhat numb to it.

I sometimes wonder if I will ever be completely over you.  Will that be the day a man replaces your place in my heart?  I don't even think I loved you as much as I was obsessed about you...  But somewhere over the year, I must have grown to care about you.  Not in the way you wanted to be cared for, but still cared nonetheless.  I started seeing someone...  He's probably the nicest guy I've ever been with but the ache hasn't gone away.  How long, who, and what will it take for me to feel indifferent so you no longer have any power in my life?

Thanksgiving

With Thanksgiving approaching, I am reminded of how grateful I am for my family.  I don't know what I would do without them.  This year has been the toughest year dealing with grief and separation.  I have been so tempted to give up on this life journey.  But I wake up every morning and as long as I'm breathing, I have no choice but the endure.  This is the first Thanksgiving without my mom, and I miss her.  I miss her kindness, her unconditional love, and her listening ears.

I feel like I'm living a nightmare.  I spent the last four years in a miserable marriage.  I should be happy to be getting out, but I feel like I sacrificed so much for it to all fail and feel rather bitter about the bad investment of my time.  Perhaps I stayed in the relationship for a long time because of my own insecurities and fear of having to be self reliant, but here I am having to do it.  I am now on a hunt for my happiness.  I have to figure out who I am again and what makes me happy.  What do I live for?  Is it to gain knowledge?  Help people?  Money?  What is my passion for living?  As of today, I'm not sure what I live for, but I hope I will figure it out soon.

A broken heart

I never knew what it meant to have a broken heart.  I had experienced a heartache or two before in the process of finding my husband, but I did not allow anyone or anything to break it.  When I heard that my mom passed away, I felt like my whole world had just crumbled into pieces.

I loved my mother, but I had been carrying on so much hate in the past three years that I have failed to see that she was suffering.  The little spirituality that I had left in me must have known that she was going to leave this world because I had been controlling everything I possibly could and holding on with my dear life, but had been slowly giving up bits and pieces of me.  

I feel regret and sadness when I think that I could have made it a bit easier for her by taking a better care of myself.  I wish I had been stronger for her because she really needed me to be.  But this one time, it was too hard for me to bear.  I knew seeing her on November 9th was not going to be helpful for her health, but I was in desperate need to feel that I am loved.  I wish I had not caused her more pain.  The weeks leading up to this past monday, she called me and talked with me for not just minutes but for hours at a time to make sure that I was okay even in her greatest pain.  She was so Christlike and asked me about the things that I had gone through to help me survive this world.  I can't help but to wonder if she had left earlier because she felt responsible for my stupidity and selfishness or she felt that she could not watch the other daughter get ill.  For my own sanity, I must believe that it was her time to go.  

Mom, if you are reading this on the other side, I will work really hard to be healthier so those painful times you were strong for me were not wasted.  Thank you for all the sacrifices you have made for me so that I could live the American dream.  I know you are with your mother now and finally free to do all the things you wanted to do.  I love you with all my heart.  

falling back in love with my ipad

So, I seem to have issues posting entries when I write them because I wrote this entry back in May of this year...

I got my ipad last year as my birthday gift. I loved it. I loved being able to see my whole week's schedule in a snapshot, and browsing on the internet was fun. I originally thought that I would be using it to e-mail a lot, but I noticed that I did not enjoy writing e-mails with ipad the longer I had it... I knew I needed a standard keyboard for me to really use it for what I intended, but who really wants to spend apple's version of accessories for their exorbitant price? It was enough that I got their product. Plus, I live with a husband who hates apple products (although he may be coming around after he got siri iphone as his work phone). He thinks that they're overpriced and useless compared to a PC. Well, apple products may not be cost efficient, but they sure look nice and work great for my needs. In any case, I've been carrying around my ipad without a protective cover or case for them. It really bothered Jesse cuz I would drop it every now and then... A year after I had gotten my ipad, I finally decided that it was time to get a nice case for my ipad. I went into Brookstone and fell in love with their newest ipad leather case. I love the smell of leather--probably because I equate leather with luxuriousness. I think it took me 3 trips to the Brookstone to finally decide that I wanted it enough to get it.  :)

There is an opposition to all things...

If you asked me how I was doing last week, I would say hell broke loose in my life.  It was as if the devil himself was hovering over me making sure that I was miserable and also ensuring that I make everyone around me suffer as well.  Every now and then, I make mistakes.  Sometimes, these mistakes costs me so much that it humbles me to never want to do it again.  Other times, I fight with the consequences because the consequences seem too cruel for the mistake itself.  Perhaps one would argue that I had a bad attitude dealing with my circumstances last week.  However, I would argue that the consequences that I had to deal with was still uncalled for because no one deserves to be be bullied.  Through it all, I have to say that I am growing up.  I'm not sure if I am learning the lesson I'm suppose to be learning, but I am learning to stand up for myself for the very first time.

I have to thank god for this week.  He must have noticed that I have been feeling stuck and lost.  He also must know me really well in that I find happiness in seeing my violin studio grow as well as meeting other musicians who share similar passions.  While I spent the past weekend being furious over a ridiculous incident on Thursday, then tortured my poor husband for something he didn't intend to do or something I normally would not have gotten so uptight over, I still had really good news when Monday rolled around.  I had a new student inquiry!  New students inquiries actually happen all the time except no one actually thank you for simply replying to them.  Usually, people will inquire then get annoyed at you for calling them back.  On Tuesday, a cellist that I met about a month or so ago contacted me to do a wedding gig with her which is especially exciting because I have been feeling like I need a social life with people like me.  Yesterday my hubby and I picked up our free movie tickets he won from the radio.  Now, winning something never happens to me.  It's a midnight showing of "Dark Shadows."  While blessing are pouring in this week, I must still deal with the situation from last week....  Wish me luck!

Dear 2012,

I have not written much in the past couple of years that I find myself at loss for words...

I hope that you will teach me how to love and care about something or someone again.  I feel like I have been feeling rather down losing the goodness I had in me the past couple of years.  I see that some of the good has turned into bitterness towards others as well as myself.  As a result, I have been very consumed in finding self-worth and trying to justify my reason for being.  I hope that you will help me see the good in people and the good that they do rather than only identifying their weaknesses. 

Above all, I hope that you can teach me to love myself with self-awareness, the way my Heavenly Father loves me, for it is impossible for me to love others when I do not take care for me.  I hope that you will help me open my heart to know and believe that there is good in me again.

Truly,
Eun-Jin

Things of the past

Since I've moved into the new house, I have one bedroom that was turned into the storage room.  I have already spent many hours sorting, but but I can't seem to get it to look like a room...  While I was going through piles of old pictures, I noticed that I also kept a note from a boy I once liked.  He had gotten me flowers for the valentine's day my freshman year of college.  It was probably the only valentine's day of my single life that I ever got anything considering I had never had a significant other on holidays and my birthdays--this has thankfully changed when I met my hubby.  I can't believe I kept it all these years...  It must have been important to me then.  I of course tossed it away as it was another item that was cluttering my current space.  It probably would have been kept and made into a cute page had I been into scrapbooking 7 years ago.  The way I see it, it's a good thing I have no desire to scrapbook.  If I was obsessed with it, nothing (ticket subs, letters, notes, cards, etc...) would ever get tossed away.  I already struggle as it is to keep a clutter-free home.  It's so hard!

On another thought, why is it signiticantly more difficult to throw away pictures?  I feel like it's a sin to throw away pictures with people you know in it.  I know, tell me about it.  That's seriously every single picture in my pile.

It's been a long time...

It's been more than a year since I tried writing for myself.  It's strange that listening to music would inspire me to reach deep inside and try to put my life in writing.

I would say that I've had one of greater growing experiences this past couple of years with many changes in my life.  I got married, graduated from college, experienced joy and sadness seeing my extended family in Korea that I had not seen for over 12 years, lived with my in-laws for one summer, made a 2,000-mile move to Richmond from Utah, tried working in retail management, worked with children with disabilities, then built my own violin studio from nothing.  Somewhere along the journey, I would say I got lost--I didn't know exactly how to be me and catch up with my rapidly changing life.  I had really high hopes for myself, so I never expected to struggle finding the perfect job after college in the field that I spent 5 years studying.  I never thought that I would be that girl--feeling bored and empty.  After all, I married the man of my dreams.  Even if you have a best friend by your side, you occasionally experience the most lonely times with him looking sweetly into your eyes.

You see, nothing in life prepares you to deal with disappointments.  All though school, you are taught to dream big, but you are not taught how to get back up when your dreams are shattered.  Then there is the rest of the world that tells you that you're not good enough.  How could I not see then that it was good enough as long as I was making a progress?

Some may say that my life appears to be easy and great.  I would have to agree that there is no physical discomfort for which I am very grateful for.  I have also noticed that when things seem easy that it's hard to feel anything because there is no sense of accomplishment nor sense of agony that reminds you that you are alive.  To me, these are the most scary times because the lack of motivation, feelings of apathy, and boredom take over and paralyze me.

I am so grateful that the Lord knows me really well.  Just when I feel that there is nothing left in me to feel, he blesses me with opportunities to feel alive again.  Sometimes, it comes through a form of an unexpected friendship, job opportunities, an inspiration that guides me to make my dreams a reality, or a change of heart.  It's strange that all of those things reach me through a form of an art...

dreams...

I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up and be a grown up...  Every day, I wake up and realize that I don't feel any older than I did when I was 16.  I still have those dreams like ones you dream about when you are a little kid.  When I was little, I would dream about becoming famous.  It didn't matter what it was for really, but I chose violin because it was what I did best.  Well, I went to Manhattan School of Music and realized shortly after that there were hundreds of others just like me.  Dreams shattered...

Even still, I haven't completely given up.  Just the other day, when I was working on my violin studio website, I had this crazy idea of getting my own recording out for the LDS community.  Instead of playing solos since I am not Jenny Oaks Baker, I could play violin duets with my sister!  I thought it was a genius idea only to be shot down when I mentioned it to In-Kyung, my sister.  I just don't think there is much instrumental music out there for the LDS community because most of them are singers.  Oh well.  I'll have to wait until I have the opportunity one day...

Recently, I've also noticed that I have very much conflicting dreams.  I want to get a master's degree in social work, but I also want a successful violin studio.  I want to start having kids in the next 3 years or so which means I kind of have to choose one or the other so that I will be somewhere into my career...  Then I was crazy enough to check out music graduate programs although I probably rather not spend 2 years playing the violin 5 hours every day nor do I know if I can make one of those big named ones now that I've been out of training for almost 5 years...  sigh.  Time will tell--I hope.

Map

Wow.. never thought trying to put a google map on my violin studio website would be such a pain...
All I want it to do is what it's doing here.... DISPLAY the image. UGH.

Love vs. Selfishness

"I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion."  - President Gordan B. Hinckley

Perhaps one can say the same thing about true love since one should not marry someone without it...  one should care and love someone so much that one is willing to commit himself or herself in making one's eternal companion happy forever.  If anything, isn't marriage the most important decision that one makes in one's lifetime?  The person you are with and will be with shapes you, determines the life style you will have, and defines who you will be.  Marriage is not only universally recognized, but has always been recognized since the beginning of the times of creation.  For that very reason, the adversity tries to defile what is so sacred with temptations and by normalizing and minimizing the magnitude of transgressions...  Sadly, the rates of divorce is increasing and alternate life styles, too, are becoming more and more accepted throughout the nation.

I'm learning that selfishness is the root of all evil.  The world tells us to be selfish--to do the things that make us happy.  The world defines happiness as pleasure, escape from the reality, and fulfillment of the desires of men.  However, real happiness is lasting--it is not fleeting giving a temporary high only to be followed by emptiness.

It is when we allow selfishness to coexist with ourselves that our relationships with others suffer because instead of thinking, "what can I do for you," we are asking, "what do you have to offer me?"  I hope that one day, I'll learn to be completely selfless and remember to never settle for the way I am today but always seek progression towards being better--towards perfection.  I dream of the day when I have the opportunity to marry a man of my dreams who will do whatever it takes to be a man of God for an eternity...

Can I Count on You?

Will you be there to catch me when I fall regardless of any given situation, or will you let me fall and hope that I will get up on my own?  

Will you hold me when I'm in tears?

Can I believe that you will care for me tomorrow and forever as you cared for me today and yesterday?

When I turn around, will you still be there?  

Will you think of me when I'm not in sight? 

Can I count on you and believe that you'll always be there for me?"

Never Say Never

All this time, I've thought that I would be this one way because I thought I saw everything in black and white...  Sometimes, it's not a matter of what is right or what is wrong--it's simply a matter of what works for you.  

I've realized that feelings, thoughts, and people change all the time.  So, you never know when you might do something that you once vowed that you'd never do.  And that's okay as long as you're following your morals and you're not hurting anyone.  Isn't it a relief to know that we can change?  It can be scary too because the change doesn't always imply for the better, but that is why we always aim really high so that no matter what, we will be better than yesterday.

My current Favorite Song:

"…I hear you in my dreams

I feel your whisper across the sea

I keep you with me in my heart

You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend

Lucky to have been where I have been…”