Heaven on Earth

I know with certainty that the veil between the world here and those that have gone before us is thin.  I have felt the love that Heavenly Father has for me here on earth through the love of my mother.

I was particularly having a hard time when I realized the relationship I had was coming to an end.  My heart was breaking for the loss that was to come, and I just needed to feel loved.  I played the last voicemail I had from my mother before she passed away.  In the voicemail, she expressed how much she loved me, how much she is thinking of me, and how much she wished for me to take a good care of myself.

This may sound crazy to some of you, but when my mother was alive, she used to tell me that when she was having a particularly a hard time, she felt that her mother was trying to communicate with her from heaven through the stereo.  I remember being in the living room as an 7th grader when the stereo turned on by itself.  I remember being creeped out as I felt the hair on arms all shot up with the goosebumps all over my arm because this stereo didn't have a remote control.  My mom was in the kitchen getting food ready for my sister and I.  I was just sitting on the couch on the other side of the room, and my mom popped her head towards me and asked, "You didn't turn on the stereo, did you?"  Tonight, though, my mother comforted me as I lay in bed alone unable to get rest. As soon as I was done playing the voicemail, the computer then turned on Track #4 "from sleep" album in my itunes that I had been listening to help myself fall asleep at night.  It was a message from her telling me, "I am here.  I love you.  Please get some rest."

I cried myself to sleep remembering what it felt like to have her arms around me.  No words were exchanged at least not ones I could hear, and yet I knew she was in the room with me.  Perhaps it is not that our loved ones are gone so much as we the living on earth cannot see them because of the veil, but the veil is a lot thinner than we think if we are willing to open ourselves up to the possibilities.

Dear Ex-Husband

I was so angry with you for walking out on our relationship, but now I must thank you for giving my life back.  Perhaps I left our relationship a long time ago before you ever walked away when I felt rejected by your inability to understand me or support me in my endeavors.  I was so disappointed and angry that I never let you forget it.  This was my greatest sin in our marriage, and I am sorry for putting you through hell in the form of guilt trips.  In the process of proving you wrong, I have only grown to become selfish, obsessive, and plain miserable.

I wish I had given you more credit for the good qualities that you do have.  You are very responsible and a man of your word.  I love that about you.  Even now, I know if you say you will do something (although you probably will never promise to do anything for me at this point), I know I can count on you.  Perhaps we would have made a better business partner than a marriage partner.

I wish I had known what it meant to have a good, healthy relationship.  I know more bad relationships than good ones, and I have yet to figure out how people maintain good relationships.  Even still, thank you for allowing me to grow from this experience.  I wish it didn't have to be painful to learn it this way, but I guess this is what it means to grow up.

I finally let you go from my heart a whole year after our divorce.  I took our wedding engagement photos out of my violin case.  I don't know why I didn't do it sooner, but I must have been still holding onto some kind of nonexistent hope in hopes that things didn't have to be this way.  I have finally accepted my reality and started to finally feel free.  So long.

Truly,
Eun-Jin

EX... What is it so hard to forget you?

I don't know why I have such mixed feelings when I think about you.  I feel hatred when I think of you, and yet I secretly loved it when I heard from you.  I thought I was over you, then why do all these mixed feelings come alive when I have any kind of communication with you?  My first thought was, "are you ok?"  Because it seemed out of your character to care about me.  Maybe something big happened that made you soft for a moment.  Then I got curious.  "What are you up to?"  When I asked you that, I wasn't really asking what you are up to.  I wanted to see if you were seeing someone.  My brain tells me I should never be with you or even want to be with you.  At the same time, somewhere deep inside, I wish that you still want me knowing that we are not a good fit.  Then the next whiff of emotions come over me that says, 'I need to make you regret for ever letting me go.'  Funny that I think that you let me go, when I had let go of the relationship when I blamed you for my unhappiness...  I go on to tell you how well I'm doing.  How busy I am.  I tell you I'm so much happier now that we are no longer together.  It is true that I am happier now, but I'm not sure that it is because we are no longer together.  I finally learned how to be happy, and that no one else other than myself could make me happy.  Somewhere deep inside, I wish we were able to be more mature and communicated and somehow made things work.  I wish I didn't have to tell people that I'm divorced or how I got the last name "Carman."  Every time I do, I feel the scar.  I realize that I'm a different person than I was before.  Believe it or not, I'm a better person in many ways, but I am also jaded.  I don't feel pain the way I used to.  I think I'm somewhat numb to it.

I sometimes wonder if I will ever be completely over you.  Will that be the day a man replaces your place in my heart?  I don't even think I loved you as much as I was obsessed about you...  But somewhere over the year, I must have grown to care about you.  Not in the way you wanted to be cared for, but still cared nonetheless.  I started seeing someone...  He's probably the nicest guy I've ever been with but the ache hasn't gone away.  How long, who, and what will it take for me to feel indifferent so you no longer have any power in my life?